2003-05-08 - 2:47 a.m.
'i don't want to leave it this way (23 days and counting)'
It's probably that I'm heading out tomorrow. Taking a nine-hour drive back into the oblivion that I once called my hometown. Back into the oblivion that holds all the secrets of my past. Well, most of them anyway. It's always strange for me to go back to Nebraska. Because there's this little girl inside of me that always expects that things will be the same there. Like it's the one place trapped under glass. The one place that somehow escapes all the changing done everywhere else.
And I'm sadly disappointed every single time I go back there and I'm proved wrong. Because my grandparents house looks different somehow. Maybe smaller. And the town roads look different. And everyone I knew there is all grown up, but still kind of look at me as if I'm that little girl. Like I'm the one who betrayed them for going off and becoming something, someone different. And the grass is somehow not as soft. And my dogs are getting so damn old. And my grandparents are too.
The worst thing, though, is that my mom's not there. And for some reason it's where I expect her to be. My heart drops a little more every time I walk into that house and she's not sitting there in that big green chair watching Craig Kilborn and laughing that small little laugh. The one that I took to mean that she was still ok, even if it was just one more day. It kills me. It really does.
And I'm going back there for the weekend. And I get worried sometimes that I won't be able to hold it together. That something will happen, or I'll see something and it'll just crack me right in half. I worry sometimes that I won't be able to be enough for the people left there. That they're just expecting too much and that I'm bound to disappoint them somehow. Because the truth is that I know that I will. I'm bound to. And I just wish I wasn't. That I wouldn't. If that makes any sense whatsoever.
And it's weird, because I was supposed to go today. But I put it off. And somewhere inside of me, I know that it shouldn't be this hard. I know that it should not be this hard to go home.
�
previous - profile - me - rings - links - gbook -
notes - next
all written material � jordorange 2003-2004
