2003-05-07 - 7:01 p.m.

'preparing for a confrontation that will never come'

Woke up from over twelve hours of sleep more exhausted than I was when I went down last night. I dreamed about JD. That I saw him out. That there was finally the confrontation that I've probably been secretly hoping for. A confrontation that had me screaming until everything inside me ached. A confrontation that left me empty inside. Because he didn't hear a word. He looked at me all blank-like and walked right away. I think that's the truest thing he could ever do, because I don't think he knows.

But that doesn't seem true either. Because rapists know when they rape. And the morning after it happened, right before he left, he looked at the deep deep bruises on my neck from where he bit me and where he later pressed his palm to hold me down...and he seemed proud of them. So if he does know, he definitely doesn't care. And that just seems like the most fucked up thing about the whole situation. I walked away scarred. And bruised. And confused. And just hurt to the very core of me. And he gets to be proud. Or he gets to not care. He gets to never look back.

So in the dream, after he walked away from me. I crumbled. I hit the floor in a fit of sobs that I was thankful had the decency to stay hidden until he was gone. I cried. And cried. And cried. My entire body numb and quaking with the force of unfelt sobbing. It was a release. A flood so all-consuming that the feelings behind it just washed away. Suddenly, I feel a weight on my back. On my shoulders. I feel hands in my hair and the lulling murmur of soft words in my ear. I looked up and through the haze of everything hitting me all at once, I saw Jerry. The Jerry I always wished would come to comfort me in those hardest times. The Jerry I always needed Jerry to be. And he pulled me up off the ground, still wrapped around me like a warm blanket. Like a warm promise.

He leads me to this car. This blue Saab 900. And my mom is there. In the driver's seat and she's all sad smiles. And Jerry and I get in the backseat where I slump against him and watch my mom's reflection in the rearview mirror. And she drives me home.

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