2003-04-27 - 3:13 a.m.

'i'll be your connie if you'll be my bobby hill'

So the little compass hidden somewhere deep in my head is working like some maniacal octopus with all eight legs stretched out in a different direction. And I know it's trying to throw me off track by pointing me in the sane directions. All the logical directions. All while the smaller octopus in his head keeps screaming, 'Damn it, man. Make up your mind.'

But it really doesn't much matter as long as I choose a logical route. One well-beaten. That leads to something safe. Or as safe as possible while maintaining the facade of risk-taking. Little do they know, though, that it's no use. None of it.

Because all this talk. All this poor poor imagery is just here to cover up the fact that I know exactly where I should go to avoid that nagging regret. To make the preemptive strike I'm always talking about but am never quite willing to commit to. I know where I should go. Where I want to go. Where all my obvious thoughts lead. And all my secret, untapped urges and instincts want to shove me. And that's Austin. And that's the truth.

I mean, who ever said happiness was directly proportional to sanity? Or that the safe way is the best way? Why am I constantly trying to find my way by taking someone else's sidewalk? Who taught me that? Because it certainly wasn't my mother. My mom, who following her divorce, got on a plane with her daughters and ended up in Germany. And it was the best thing that ever happened to me. To us. Ever. I always think that if I turn out to be a fraction of the person my mom was I'd be really lucky. So maybe it's time to take a cue from her. And see how much of her is still alive somewhere in me.

And somehow I know I need to kill this evil queen of hearts in my head that's always screaming, 'Your way? All the ways here are my way.' I need to recognize that all the right roads are my roads. And they're all leading me directly to Austin. I need to be able to annihilate rationality, sanity and safety. I need to do something because it's so far beyond those things that it has to be right. There's no way it couldn't be. It's time for me to do something for love's sake. For hope's sake. For the sake of all my instincts and ignored pushes.

And last night I dreamed about Austin. That I lived there. That I loved there. That I was there. And it was good. And right now, that's really all I need.

�

previous - profile - me - rings - links - gbook - notes - next
all written material � jordorange 2003-2004