2003-08-04 - 5:18 p.m.

'"she was frantic, saying you were talking crazy"'

so i'm a bitch.
and a masochist.
and i'm horrible person.
i'm broken.
and bent.
and bruised.
i'm wrecked beyond repair.
and so weak.
i'm not enough.
but i'm too much to handle.
i'm guilty.
i'm to blame.
and selfish.
and ungrateful.
i'm brazen.
and rash.
and too young to feel this way.
i'm far too old.
i'm a pervert.
the anti-girl.
i'm dirty.
and ugly.
and unlovable.
i'm leavable.
and unworthy.
i'm twisted.
and sick.
and i always say the wrong thing.
i'm uncensored to a fault.
i'm unacceptable.
and poisened by my past.
i'm damaged goods.
i'm unprotected.
and violated.
i'm a runner.
a figher who always loses.
i'm a bridge-burner.
and a dweller.
because i remember too much.
and i wish i could forget.
i want a blank slate.
i want to start over.
but i'm too full up.
and i'm lazy.
and struggling.
and hateful.
i'm faded and dull.
i'm wicked.
and confused.
and flailing.
i'm bitter.
and suicidal.
i'm jealous of the lives other people get to live.
and i miss too much.
because i'm motherless.
and left behind.
i'm lonely.
all alone and i always will be.
i'm good at it.
and i've forgotten how to love.
i'm resentful.
and mad as hell.
i'm a hypocrite.
and a poser.
and so sick of myself.
i'm tired.
and i'm a liar.
a disappointment.
i'm self-indulgent.
and i'm not who i used to be.
i know nothing.
i am nothing.
but i'm all i have.
so i'm searching for a reason.
and coming up short.
i'm giving up.
and filled with self-loathing.
i'm too hard on myself.
i'm conflicted.
i'm compulsive.
and a bad best friend.
i rob my inspiration.
so i'm not an artist.
i wish i was more.
because i'm uninteresting.
and lost.
and i've misplaced my muse.
or maybe she's run away.
so i'm scared.
terrified of my life.
of myself.
i'm fucked up.
i'm a fuck up.
and all i do is bitch.
i'm whiny.
and i'm questioning.
and asking.
grasping.
but i don't know how to accept help.
i'm beyond it.
i'm suspicious.
i'm wary.
and so weary.
i'm unknowable.
and i drink too much.
i'm numb.
yet i rage.
and i'm so fucking sad.
i'm unallowed.
and suffocating.
i'm overwhelmed.
and not living up to my potential.
i'm a mess.
a cliche.
and i'm falling apart.
it's all slipping away.
i'm undeserving.
and out of control.
i'm not ok.
and i don't know what to do about that.

�

previous - profile - me - rings - links - gbook - notes - next
all written material � jordorange 2003-2004