2003-05-07 - 2:02 a.m.

'best friends forever, or until you piss me right off'

I hadn't realized that Penny and I had drifted so far apart until today. Funny how things like that can just happen so slowly that you don't even notice. So gradually. So naturally that all it takes is one more small thing to act as that proverbial crack across the face. One more small thing and it's a moment of realization.

Penny sent me an email today with the subject 'I just realized.' And it was all about how she just realized that I must be freaking out. She just realized that I may be having a hard time with the things in my life. The fact that Mother's Day is almost here. Or the fact that my sister's having these flashbacks to the moment that my mom's heart stopped beating. Or that I'm dealing with the aftermath of a rape without the comfort of my mom to tell me that I'm going to be ok. Or that I'm moving away from here to somewhere, anywhere in hopes to piece myself back together again. She just realized that I may be going through some heavy fucking shit in my life right now. And I'm going through it all by myself.

She emails me. She sends an 'I'm here for you' email even though she lives less than five miles away. Apparently obligatory words count either way. Spoken or sent. And I read that bullshit email with that sting in my eyes. With that feeling of acceptance and inevitability. Like I always felt after being hit in the face with a kickball. The one where my eyes sting and well because they want to cry, but I'm holding all that in. I'm holding it all back. Because fuck her. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of crying over her 'heartfelt' email.

And then I think, how did I manage to get so far away? When exactly did that happen? Because it's not just with Penny. It's with everyone. I feel disconnected with everyone. Penny's the extreme case, because there's more to it. I mean, I know she's pushing to make it easier for her when I leave. I know she's mad at me for leaving. I know that she's putting all her focus on herself in some attempt to take back what she probably lost when she and I became so intertwined. I know all that, because I'm doing it, too. But without the outward hostility. Without turning away.

Because when she needed me a few days ago to help her clean out all her shit from her boyfriend's apartment. I was there. When she needed a ride to rehearsal. I was there. When she needs support because her mom is tearing at her self-esteem. I'm there. I'm always here. Because I may be drifting, but I'd never turn her away. Where she's standing perfectly still with her back to me. And I just really need more in my friends than that. I need to start demanding back at least a small fraction of what I'm giving. So call me high maintenance. I don't care.

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