I Wanna Be Joan Cusack

2003-02-23 - 1:57 a.m.

'"i won't get mononucleosis, will i?"'

I think I have Mono. Because I haven't been able to sleep in something like three years. I'm a pseudo-insomniac. But lately it seems like all I do is sleep. It's all I really want to do. It's the only thing I really have the energy for. So, I think I have Mono. Though Stacia says it's probably just depression.

Just looked up Mono on WebMD. Flu-like symptoms. Check. General malaise and lethargy. Check check. Swollen Lymph glands. Sore throat. Inflamed tonsils. Check. So, yeah. Probably Mono. It would certainly explain the weird pains in the back of my neck, beyond the notion that I was just tossed around too roughly. Stacia says I look tiny. And I don't know why but that made me more scared.

But she could be right about this being depression. The problem is how would I even tell one from the other? I honestly think I've been in some depressive state since my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I learned to function there. To eat and to breathe. But I never quite learned to sleep there. Now all I do is sleep. Now it's all I want to do.

Maybe it's both. Or maybe It's something else altogether. Maybe I'm just a hypochondriac, because I could have any number of things living in me right now. And I'm just so terrified to go see a doctor. And I'm starting to feel like some fictional character trapped in a seventh circle of a Hell so horrible it only truly exists in her head. And some days I'm convinced that this must be that Hell. Because fuck if I can't catch a break. And the list keeps getting longer and longer. And I'm starting to wonder if someone's trying to tell me something. And what that might be. And I know I'm grasping straws. I know that. But fuck. Just fuck. Because I've lost sight of the smallest version of joy. Life's a struggle.

And I'm probably dying.

But at least I'm not pregnant. Of that I'm relatively sure, because I took EC instead of waiting it out. I don't know what I would have done. Because I know that I want a baby. I want to be a mom so much sometimes that it kills me to know I probably never will be. But could I have had a baby born from such violence? From such a horrible, scarring event? I don't know. I just don't. And now I'll never have to. And I don't know why that makes me kind of sad.

Stacia leaves tomorrow. And it's been oddly good having her here, though we haven't really talked about it. I was afraid to have her come. To face the reality of her concern. She wants me to leave here and I know that I probably should. That this place is more tainted for me now than anywhere else on earth. That the chance I may have had here has been taken away from me. I'll probably end up moving to Denver.

Now I'm afraid to have her leave. I'm afraid to be left alone with myself. Afraid to be left alone with all of this.

�

previous - profile - me - rings - links - gbook - notes - next
all written material � jordorange 2003-2004