I Wanna Be Joan Cusack

2003-02-19 - 10:14 p.m.

'tired of trying to figure it out'

I'm tired of trying to put a name to this terrible thing. Whether it was or it wasn't. It's not what really matters. Whether I put it in this box or the next one, nothing changes the way I feel about it. The way I feel.

And right now I feel outside of my body. I feel disconnected. I feel scattershot and like I may never find my way back in. I feel horrible and degraded. I feel lied to and abused. Violated and like the personification of so much violence. I feel robbed. Of my last shred of innocence. Of the part of me that could have survived all this. Of everything I could have been after all these struggles. I feel broken. More broken that ever before. Not bent or repairable, but broken beyond recognition.

I feel all that and nothing at all. Because I can't do this now. I can't. I don't have it in me to feel all that. And still breathe into tomorrow.

�

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