2003-02-08 - 3:01 p.m.
'if i close my eyes, you can't see me, right?'"Unfortunately, little darlings, there is no such thing as a simple love story. The most transitory puppy crush is complex to the extent of lying beyond the far reaches of the brain's understanding."
by Tom Robbins from Even Cowgirls Get the Blues
I've come to accept that I'm never going to have that easy love. That happy-go-lucky, laid back, good morning kisses type of love. I'm not meant for an effortless love. Or a permanent love. Or love at all. Of any kind. I make things complicated. Far too complicated.
The days are long. And I'm having a hard time. The week's stretched on forever. And I've been feeling tired. More tired than I can remember. And that's something. I think it's just this time of year. All pretty out. Or this time of month, because another anniversary is coming up.
They always make me so tired. And I start to need. To need something real. Something I can't quite put my finger on. And everyone's a disappointment, because they don't know either. Or if they do, it's not something they're giving freely. Or at all. And sometimes I wonder if anyone can tell. If anyone can even see me at all. Because fuck if I can even see myself. Manic. Yep. Depressive. Yep.
I really miss my mom. A lot. So deep. It's in me. It fills me. It is me. I carry it in my stomache. In my blood. In my teeth and in my every cell. I wear it on the outside, too. It clings to me and I can't brush it off. And I don't know if I want to. Because what's left of me if it's gone?
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