2003-11-18 - 6:23 a.m.

'"i just wish you would come over and explain things"'

Been thinking about the way I always thought I wanted an insomniac love. Someone who would sit up and wait the nights away with me. Watching bad Informercials and throwing Fruity Pebbles at the flickering tv screen. Waxing philosophical about all the other people out there at this very moment suffering through sleepless nights. All while him and me enjoyed the hell out of ours.

I always wanted to find someone with whom a night without sleep was somehow not a night wasted away. Not at all.

Now though I don't think I want that anymore. I think maybe I�d rather have someone more well-adjusted. Someone with whom I could actually match my breathing and fall deeply asleep with. And wake up well-rested with. And eat stale Fruity Pebbles out of bowls my mom bought for me in Poland. Spoons clanking out the background soundtrack to a really fucking amazing conversation about that stupid Simple Plan song that kind of always inexplicably makes me cry. Fucking amazing conversations about nothing much at all.

I just want to believe in a big love.

A love that somehow could turn that pretty insomniac boy into that most perfect sleepy soul. Soothing me to sleep along with him. With the pattern of his heavy heartbeat. And the flutter of his eyelashes. Or maybe the mumbling phrases that spill from his lips like kid lullabies. But are really probably nothing more than negotiations for the hostage situations in his dream head.

Meanwhile, I�ve been considering very seriously that this love just isn't.

That the person within whom this love was supposed to live stepped out of that long line toward existence to take piss. Or that he did live. And died. Or that maybe we've met and he was too weak to love me the right way through all the wrong times. Then again, maybe he was too strong. And he felt for some reason that he had to let me go.

Believe me, I�ve considered all of this.

That this might be it. That the rest of my life might just compress and become this vicious circle of denial and realization. Denial and realization. The loneliness always catching up with me. Catching me up. And I don't want that. I know I don't.

Because all I want is to start relating to happier songs. And looking people in the eyes when I bump up against them in the Foreign film section at the video store. I want the possibility that someday I won't be alone to grown big inside of me. And thrive. I want to believe it. I really so badly want to believe in something real again.

�

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