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2003-11-08 - 6:01 p.m.

'let's be roseanne and jackie and open a sandwhich shop'

This past summer as I spent a lot of hours on unfamiliar roads I had just enough time to get it all figured out. I had my life plotted. My whole future sketched out. And hidden in those doodles were red rugs and old cash registers. I saw droves of kids like me looking for elusive tracks. And Jones Soda. I saw heaven in a place of my own.

I remember saying to my aunt as we sped through a small strip of Oklahoma, 'This is what I'm going to do.' And I remember thinking that I actually would. Now I'm wondering what's changed? Just where the fuck this new wall came from.

All I can come up with is that I'm no longer in transition. That un-place where it was easy to fantasize about what I would do once I stopped. There's so much possibility in open roads. Where the only pins are the ones poking out of maps marking all the places left behind. None stuck inside me. None pinning me down. Or attaching me to the logical.

And I really don't want my stopping to stop my knowing. To stop my dreaming. Or my making a reality of those precious road dreams.

Now I'm supposed to be getting ready for college again. All the while knowing that school will cost me my start-up. Trying to ignore that just a few months ago I actually had clarity. I actually had it figured out. And I still do. I just have to decide whether or not to scale this new wall. This new thing blocking me. And maybe figure out what the fuck I'm so afraid of on the other side.

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all written material � jordorange 2003-2004

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