2003-11-04 - 11:57 p.m.

'"ripping up words that i thought were important"'

It was around this time last year that Brandon sort of re-entered my life. It had been months since we last spoke when all of a sudden my phone rang and its face brightened with his phone number. And suddenly, just like that, we were talking again. Talking. And talking. And it was like every single story I told him I'd never told before. His ears so virgin to my lifestory. My mouth such the willing slut. Spilling it all out for him. Into him. And for once I kind of felt like it was real. All that opening. Like he was just on the cusp of filling. Of taking root in that empty place all cozy and shaped just like him.

It was the first time I remember it feeling so good to be so raw with someone. The first time I ever felt beyond judgment. Like touched so deeply that I was forever after untouchable. Amazing what a good conversation can do. What a good fucking talk can leave you with in the end. I still remember them. All those words. And lying on the carpet with my head propped up on the first step of my stairs. Looking at the unmarked ceiling, but imagining what his might look like. Or the pattern of the stars just outside my apartment and his apartment too.

I remember feeling like I was different suddenly. Like he'd somehow changed me. Or the course of my very future, just by breathing at the other end of the line. Just by listening. By knowing me. Even though I know now how the end of the story reads, I still don't regret all those words. All those words. And his voice. And knowing him. I don't regret that, which is something. Because on some levels I think I kind of store traces of regret behind every word I've ever said. Every sideways glance. Every breath. There's always something I probably could have done differently. I've never had a perfect moment. Free of myself. And my fucked thought-process. I have never been anywhere that I have never been. I have never said a word that I have not said.

Somehow with him, though, that was ok. I was ok. Imperfect. But perfectly fine.

�

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