Get your ow
n diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

2003-10-06 - 10:59 p.m.

'"i'm a burning effigy of everything i used to be"'

A surprising thing happened to me as I drove home this evening: I saw a white jeep on the road and forgot to flinch. I actually smiled, because I knew beyond anything I've ever known before that JD was not in that jeep. And I didn't have to be afraid. It was fact. Still is.

I don't have to be afraid of him anymore. Not ever again. And there are no words for how fucking amazing that feels. For how good it is to realize that in moving here I've finally set myself free from him in just so many ways.

Meanwhile, the last time I slept I dreamt of Brandon. And this time it really just barely cracked my heart instead of the usual excruciating break. This time the pain was soaked in kind of a sweetness, because it was nice to see his face again. To feel his awkward kiss and to see his excited hands quake as he scribbled my new phone number down all the while whispering hasty promises to call.

So I miss him. But what else is fucking new?

previous - profile - me - rings - links - gbook - notes - next
all written material � jordorange 2003-2004

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!