2003-09-04 - 12:13 a.m.

'"haven't you heard that i'm going to be ok?"'

"Do you know how many people I never loved?' she asked. 'All because I was so wrapped up in loving you?'

And as the words drip from her lips, you can see it inside her that sometimes she hates you for it. While sometimes still she can't help but still love you. And you know that it's only because it's all she's ever done. It's all she's ever known how to do with you. You can see all this right through the veil of eyelashes hiding her eyes when she says, 'You're such a fucking coward.'

It goes without saying that she knows she's one, too.

Part of you wants to reach out to her to calm the rage. To soothe the panic being born from suddenly knowing. From realizing like a hard smack across the face that she was never as important to you as you were to her. You want to embrace her. Wrap her with apologies. Or reassurances. You want all that, because you think you're not such a bad guy under it all. And because you are still friends after all.

But the fact of her rage stings you. Not just because it's warranted, but because it's all true. So it brands you. Breaks you all apart. And you can't. You can't touch her. Or look her in the eyes. There's too much pain in her. In her truth. It's all so deep. It's all too much.

Because you know you only loved her loving you. You loved being loved by her, but you didn't love her back. At least not the right way. Or the same way. And now there is no way. Because you could love her fiercely and for the rest of your life, but it would never eclipse all the love you took so for granted. It would never be enough to wipe away the pain of those years past.

And somehow you know that you could be ripped from a bullet meant for her and she'd let you die. She would. And you know exactly why. It's because she's already bled for you. Pools and pools. And for years and years. She's suffered. Living caught in your trap. Because while you knew you'd never love her, you never rejected her either. You left her to dangle. And to hope. You never set her free. And now she's free despite you.

�

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