2003-08-25 - 4:22 a.m.

'"...but i love gatherings. isn't it ironic?"'

Sometimes if I let it, the idea of all those people starts to overwhelm me. All those people out there. And the ones trapped in my head. Inside my memories. Making them up. My past in all those people. And my future in them, too. It can be too much sometimes, because I can see myself becoming a recluse. I can see never seeing anyone ever again. But then just when I think I'm sufficiently self-contained enough to pull it off, I look back and know that it's all bullshit.

And sometimes knowing that takes over me. And I can swim in the pools of all those people that have slipped through my life. Dripped through. Sneaked right by me. All those people who have stormed right in and left just as quickly. Or come and stayed only to get gone in the end. Because as much as I wish it weren't true, no one ever stays. And I'm always left alone. I'm always left.

But I admit I've been impacted in my life. By people who will probably never know it. Because I know people that don't know me. And people that think they do. People that I think about still. Who have probably never thought about me again. Smart people. Fascinating people. Witty people. Dry people. Brief people. Drunk people. Just passing by people. Complicated people. Beautiful people. And sometimes when I think of all those people I think maybe part of who I am was born somewhere in them.

People like my mom who loved me so deep. And Stacia who is what is left of my soul. And then there are people like Weird-Sean who once told me I was beautiful. And Mo who lit matches just so I could make wishes. And Mat who I could never crack into. People like Brandon with the ability to just soothed me and JeffVanPatten who still shocks me by volunteering to be my best friend forever.

There are also people like Jerry lurking in there. Jerry who once claimed he couldn't live without my friendship but seems to be getting along without it just fine. Because it's not always just the good hiding behind the surface of all those faces. Some of those people who have impacted me have left deep dents. And fresher wounds still scabbing over. And I still think about JD sometimes. And what I could have done differently. And if he knows what he did to me. And if he feels bad about it. Or if he cares at all.

And it's so strange to think of all those people that I once knew. And the ways in which I knew them. All those circumstances. And I wonder sometimes if they ever think of me. Or remember me at all. I wonder if I was as important to them as they are to me. Because in a lot of ways they've built me. They've built me up. And torn me all apart again. Leaving the pieces for the next group of passers-by.

The next group of people I could know. Or will know. Like the people I pass by on the highway. Or stand behind in line at the grocery store. So many potential first kisses. And awkward conversations. And biting remarks. So many potential new best friends. Or worst enemies. So many faces waiting to be seen. So many eyes avoiding contact.

I saw so many people today without really seeing them at all. And somehow I wonder how things are bound to be if they continue to never ever see me.

�

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