2003-07-14 - 10:36 p.m.
'my other half left me, because i'm bad at fractions'
I'd have invited him in. I would have said, 'Would you like to crawl into my bed and into my head?' I think he knew me well enough by then to know that that simple invitation was twined like vines around the more complex fact that no one comes in. No one has ever seen me so devoid of the thick wall that usually surrounds me on all sides. And no one has ever been invited through it.
And then, 'If you would, could you promise me to never go? To never leave the sight of my soul? Will you kiss my mouth every night and make me bad instant coffee most mornings?' Then I would have smiled and said, 'We could eat toast in our jammies and pretend to read the newspaper, while really fighting over the comics.' And maybe he would have smiled at me then. At those words. Maybe he would have been tempted by the simple beauty of it all. Of sunny Sunday mornings. And never having to be that sad-alone again.
I'd have seen the idea of it spinning out of control behind his blue-green eyes. And I would have tried to be serious through the delirium. I would have said, 'Could you promise me that the world we create to revolve around just us two will never spliter and never fall away? Would you promise to let me love you and never resent that love? Could you be who you are right now in my head forever until I'm dead?'
And those promises are hard promises, I know. So I would have accepted lies. I would have. All the while knowing that I'd have made those promises. I make them now, because I know in my bones that they're already kept. And maybe I'd have confessed that truth to him back then, but maybe I wouldn't have. Because I don't know if I would be brave enough to ask after the fact, 'Could you make them, too? Would you make them if you could?'
And who the fuck am I kidding? He still would have had me at 'Hell no.'
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