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2003-07-11 - 10:56 p.m.

'my real title went running off with my self-esteem'

The entire time JD was trying to get my clothes off, he kept telling me that he liked my body. And all I could really think about that was, 'Great. Another reason for me to hate it.' I want to shed my skin like a snake. And see what's living underneath. I want that now more than ever, because I don't want to be stuck within the confines of it any more. It's suffocating me. It's got me all trapped and struggling.

So to remedy this current wave of self-loathing, I've started running. Which I hesitate to say, because I certainly do not want this to turn into some 'Bridget Jones' Diary' type fiasco. Suffice it to say, that I'm not just bitching about it. I decided the other day that I should be more proactive about the things in my life that are absolutely within my ability to change. Goddamn, I sound like some bad self-help convert. Believe me I have not been sucked over to the dark side. Probably because I already live here. Now I'm just looking for the lightness. But what else is new?

Call me crazy, though, but I feel just on the cusp of finding it. Of bringing it straight home and into my bed. Right under my covers. It's there just waiting to be grabbed. And fuck if I'm not groping around in the dark trying to take hold.

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all written material � jordorange 2003-2004

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