2003-07-04 - 2:26 a.m.
'"birth and death in the same episode"'
So I'm contemplating changing the channel. Thinking more about having kids. Wishing I was pregnant. And knowing how crazy that sounds considering I'm watching cartoons in the middle of the night. And considering that I'm terrified of sex now. Still I'm thinking about lost opportunities. And new ones I hope to have open up to me sometime soon.
Everyone keeps telling me, though, that I'm too young. Or that I'm too poor. That I need to find a husband. And get my education first. But my mom was near my age when she had me. And her sister was even younger when she had Ryan. And no one is ever really ready. Or knows exactly what to expect. Because having a baby is like some odd experiment. It's about moments and experiences all stacked up on top of one another forming this amazing thing that no one could never have predicted. Or planned out so well. Having kids is about making mistakes along the way. And growth. And really living life.
And I know I'll never be perfect. I hope my kids will forgive me for that. Hell, I hope they'll love me for it. The way that I love her. And the more I think about it the more I think that I've got a lifetime of love to give and only twenty or so years left to live. So now is the time.
And I know it'll be just fine, because I never sleep anyway. And my patience is still infinite. More importantly, though, I'm ready to feel again. To feel another heartbeat inside my body. To love to the deepest depth of my spirit and to the tips of my toes. I want to fly again. Like I used to in knowing that my mom's love for me was so strong and so vast that it existed outside of her body and in her absence. It was born along my side. And still exists with my every insignificant movement. It exists within my every blink. And my every swallow. I know it still lives even though most days it's hard for me to know that. It's hard for me to feel it without the sadness creeping in.
Still, I know enough about life now to realize that I need to be able to give that pure love to someone. To give it all back. because I know that no matter how long I live into my baby's life, she will be better and stronger having had me love her so very much. The way that I am better having had my mom's fiercest love. And loving her that hard in return.
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