2003-06-25 - 11:56 p.m.
'and they say that romance is dead''i'm looking at your face and i just want to smash it. i want to fucking smash it with a sledge- hammer ... you're so pretty." ~'punch-drunk love'
It's strange that the times in which I feel the strongest urge to write, the greatest need to write, nothing comes rushing out. I sit and stare at the screen with so many emotions welling, so many topics swirling that when I put my fingers to the keys they stick. My fingers are useless. This medium all wrong. I miss writing with pens. I miss the sounds of lead scratching across paper. I miss the way it felt. All raw and real beyond the shield of all this beautiful technology. Because sometimes the hand helping us up, making things that much easier, is the one thing that gives us the hardest shove downward.
Or maybe all those words were just a primer to get me rolling. To open the floodgates to the this thing that I really want to say. and that is that I'm starting to worry about all this writing I'm doing. It's starting to terrify me how dependant I'm becoming on this fantastic little thing that I call my online diary. It's so easy to get so carried away. It's too easy to be too honest. To talk too hard or too fast. To be too forthright. Because I'll be honest, I'm never more honest than when I think that no one's looking. I'm never more myself than in these quiet moments when I'm sort of allowed to forget all about myself and just write. I hate the idea that I may have to give this up. I really do, because unfortunately, I've come to sort of enjoy my dependancy on this outlet. I have so few.
So where is all this coming from? Well someone said something to me about something they couldn't have possibly known. And in my head, I tried to do the whole connecting the family dots. And all I could come up with is this. And it's strange, because I'm not ashamed of the things I say here. I'm not ashamed of the things that have happened to me or the things that I'm struggling through. I'm not. They're in my past. They're in me. And that's ok. It is. I'm learing to accept. I'm learning slowly to grow and become someone outside of the parameters of those events. And I admit that it's really hard sometimes. But I also know that it's worth doing. And overcoming them is something that gets thismuch more possible with every day that I live with them. Through them.
Anyway, on a less rambling, but more random note, I saw Punch-Drunk Love last night and absolutely adored it. It was just one of those movies that washes over you. And makes you believe in love's ability to just come right in and storm you. Whether you're looking or not. Whether you're ready or not. And sometimes that's a good thing to be able to see. To be able to count on.
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