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2003-06-20 - 10:49 p.m.

'naked chef, will you be my naked boyfriend?'

The other day I found myself sitting across from my mom's uncle Jon. A wretchedly unhappy man who told me once that it would have been cheaper and more logical had he just killed his wife instead of getting a divorce. So yeah, there's some crazy lurking here in the square state of Nebraska.

So anyway, I'm sitting across from this man and he's asking about my life. And to my every answer he says, 'Me too.' Me too? Me fucking too? And all I can think is, 'Oh my goodness, is he me? Am I him? am I doomed to live my life as the meat pulled from the shell of an empty man I like as little as I know?' Yikes.

Nope. Won't. I just fucking can't. Because, yeah life is hard. So so hard sometimes and I'll suffer. I have. I do. And I'll rage. But I don't want to find myself so bitter in my early forties. I don't want to taste that pain coating my mouth, my life for the rest of my days. I want sweetness, damn it. And something to live for.

Because I admit, it would be so easy, too easy to just let it all fall to the wayside. To just let right now and the past few years overshadow and eclipse everything from this moment on. I'm not brave. I'm not. I never said I was. And my survival is not my choice. It just is. It's just something I do. Something I've always done. But I'm looking. I'm optimistic. Even if it doesn't seem like it most of the time.

So note to self: Do what you can to not be Jon. Never ever ever ever be Jon. Amen.

Meanwhile, for my strange confession of the day, I am absolutely obsessed with the Food Network. Because I love love love Jamie Oliver. Love him. I want to have his little British 'Naked Chef' babies. Oh, yeah.

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all written material � jordorange 2003-2004

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