I Wanna Be Joan Cusack

2003-06-19 - 10:18 p.m.

'the wisdom of jerry circa 1999'

I went through a bunch of stuff in my bedroom the other night trying to get everything seperated into things to take to Austin and things to leave behind. And I came across an old composition book that had a few pages torn out, but seemed completely empty. And as I flipped through it, I found near the end a page filled with the familiar handwriting of my high school best friend Jerry.

And as strange as the whole hastily scribbled page was, it made me think. I guess maybe it made me miss him a little bit. And do you know why? Because through all the bravado that kept Jerry thriving in high school and into the Navy Seals was a really sweet person. He was my best friend. And I hate that he's not him anymore.

And I'm so tired of all these little reminders of the people I used to know or the person I used to be sneaking in and corrupting my thought process. And to top it all off, I miss Brandon. Or maybe I just miss missing him. And it sucks. It really really does.

I'm just so tired of missing. Missing the people I used to love. Missing people loving me back. Missing out. Missing something on the inside. Just waiting to be stormed and completed somehow. And I don't know what I'm doing really. Or who I'm looking for. Who will be the person that comes and stays. And leaves me missing all this missing everyone for the rest of my life. Because I need something to erase that need. To be the hot glue keeping all my pieces together.

I don't know if I'll ever find that. Because I thought I had. But I was wrong. He was all wrong. And for once I'm not talking about some horrible event. I'm not talking about JD. I'm talking about Brandon. And how it was just too right to be right. Too good. And how I guess I probably knew from the beginning that something that amazing couldn't possibly be easy. Or last. How sometimes the things that fit most perfectly are the things that throw us over the edge into wrongness. Sometimes being completely completed has nothing to do with being whole. It has nothing to do with forever.

Because Brandon was too perfect for the dents in my life. He was too perfect for as flawed as I am. And his only flaw was he was too slippery. And he just slipped through the cracks of my life. And maybe he'll come back someday when I'm less in pieces. Maybe he'll come back to complete me when I'm complete all by myself. And maybe that'll be exactly when I need him the most. Who knows for sure. I just know that someday, some fucking day I'm going to find it. And it'll be fantastic. I'll be fantastic.

And I can't wait.

�

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