2003-06-11 - 2:01 p.m.

"'best friends means you'll get what you deserve'"

I've got this on-again off-again friend that's been in my life since I was in first grade. So she's been a pretty constant semi-presence in my life for something like eighteen years. And in those eighteen years she and I have run the gamut of every possible relationship match-up. We've been best friends. We've been barely friends. But one thing I'll say is that she's always been there in her own odd little way.

I spoke with her yesterday on the phone for the first time in years probably. And I told her all about my upcoming move to Austin. And how I just know, can feel to the very core of me, that I'm going to be happy there. That the potential lies in Austin. And that's fantastic. Fucking fantastic. And she says to me, 'What happened? Why the sudden need to get out of Albuquerque?' And I thought, damn, say what you will about Bethany Hilgers, but fuck if she doesn't know me. Because no one else has even thought to ask me why in that way. Most people want to know what I plan to do. But no one has ever really known, or fucking bothered to ask me what the driving force behind my sudden, abrupt move was.

Bethany Hilgers asked. And I told her. I told her the truth, because what have I got to hide from her or myself or anybody for that matter. She said, 'I feel like such an asshole, because I wonder about you a lot, but I never write.' She said she had been thinking that she should call me and never did. And felt guilty or bad somehow because had she broken through all the thinking about calling and actually called she feels like she could have been there for me. I tried to tell her that there's nothing she could have done. No amount of being there was going to change anything that happened.

And i'm moving on. From all of the tragic bullshit of the past four or five months and I'm going to be ok. Because I can't not be. I don't know how to not survive. It's this thing I do, because I need to. But above all else, I have no choice but to.

Meanwhile I'm planning the roadtrip back toward Albuquerque to get everything finalized. And to get Penny back home. And on the way back, we're hitting Dashboard Confessional at Red Rocks, which should be fucking amazing. And I'm missing Feeder and Hedwig on stage for it. So let's hope Chris in a huge venue does not disappoint.

From there I've got the whole summer ahead of me. And an entire life of potential for me out there. Sap.

�

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