2003-06-09 - 1:40 p.m.

'let's pick up the pieces and have a get-togerher'

I caught myself thinking last night about this conversation I had with Tia, my best friend from freshman year in high school. We were the kind of best friends where we lived and breathed one another. Unfortunately, a friendship that intense generally ends intensely. When she moved away we barely spoke again. But I did catch up with her a few years later and we did the whole catch-up conversation. I don't remember much of it, except that she told me that she felt like she had it all together. Finally.

And even now I wonder what that must be like. To be together. To feel whole and alive. And to know that I am exactly where I should be at exactly the right time. Because for as long as I can remember I've felt like I was a big old mess. Like there is just something missing. I'm unpolished. And no amount of plucking or hair-dying, or working or schooling has ever been enough to change any of that. I'm unwhole somehow. And I fear that I may never be all together. I may never get it together. Because I still haven't found that missing thing. That thing that'll pull from me the pieces I exist as into a whole breathing living happy thing.

Meanwhile, the longer I'm here the more I feel myself want to go. I'm getting all antsy.

See the plan was to get out of Albuquerque and spend the summer bumming around and getting ready to head to Austin. But now. I'm ready now. Who knew that the desire would come storming in so quick? I guess it's probably a matter of degrees. Because I wanted out of albuquerque so badly, by such overwhelming degrees, that I made my decision to go quickly and three weeks later I left.

And where did I go? To Nebraska. And I should have known that coming here would accelerate my desire, my drive to just drive right out of this life. Why am I forcing myself to stay in Nebraska and forcing myself to look forward to Austin when I could go now and smash the metaphorical binoculars. I mean, I've never been one of those good things to those who wait people. I'm a snatch it, steal it, run as fast as you can with it kind of person. Because one could wait around forever for an ideal shiny happiness. And it might come. But it might not. And what a disappointing, painful kick in the ass that would be.

Sometimes patience and passivity is just that. Sometimes there is no layer beneath and no pretty picture perfect payoff. Sometimes we're patient only to realize that something really fantastic was waiting just outside our grasp. Waiting to be taken. And when it wasn't, it walked right away.

And I don't want to look back and recognize all my lost opportunites through a cloudy nostalgia haze. I don't want to waste my summer waiting for the move. Waiting for my life to start. To start over.

�

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