2003-05-19 - 1:52 a.m.

'my fridge is full of 400 speed film and diet dr thunder'

So life's been oddly calm these past few days. Ever since I pulled back into Big Al, I've been floating in this ok place. A place I haven't been in far far too long. Where nothing can even begin to touch me. I'm untouchable. Un-fuckin-touchable. Because from the moment I decided to move, I've been gone. It's just a matter of time before my body catches up with my mind-state. Until then, though, I must admit, I've been pretty happy. Happy in my head. Happy with my decision. Happy to be getting the hell out of dodge. Just happy in general. Generally. Huh.

So really, you should see this place. I spent the entire day getting ready for the move-out. Because Stacia and Nick are coming into town tomorrow to help me get everything in order. And right now things look fab. Everything's in neat little stacks. All wrapped in clear tape. Ready to go. Then Penny and I are roadtripping to Austin on Wednesday. Just to see. Just to be. So it promises to be a whirlwindy few weeks.

Meanwhile, I hadn't realized how close Austin is to Houston. Maybe something in my subconscious is still pulling for Jerry to be the golden knight with the white words. The right words. Maybe there's still a small piece of me that's waiting for him to show up on my doorstep. Who knows. All I know for sure is that I hadn't even thought about it until Penny brought it to my attention. Now it's like this thing looming. But not necessarily in a bad way. Because Jerry's this big part of my past. And to ignore that slight draw, that slight tug at the thought of him is to forsake the girl I used to be. And besides, it would all be lies. Because I mean, obviously I miss the fucker sometimes. I just wish that I didn't. And that makes perfect sense to me.

Beyond that, I had a good long talk with Tom the other day. And he's all set to help me find a place to live and show me the virtues of living in Austin, TX. And in a lot of ways I can't help but smile at that. It'll be nice to have an ally. Someone who will point out all the pretty things and to help haul heavy boxes, but who won't drench me with water from the raincloud over his head. It'll be nice to have a casual friend. Not a twisted soulmate. Because I'm ready for something a little less intense. Something a little brighter. And I don't care if that sounds superficial. I have plenty of my own problems. Thanks very much.

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