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2003-04-30 - 1:54 a.m.

'it'll know cause it's the magic eight ball'

So Penny has decided to play some kid's version of devil's advocate throwing me question after question after question. Most of which ended up to be so incredibly ludicrous that they barely deserve to be justified by my answering them. I mean, I'm having a hard enough time trying to get things worked out for myself without her chirping in with her 'whys' and 'how-comes.'

Today she legitimately asked me whether I'd be thinking about moving to Austin had I never met him. And my first reaction is, of course not. The seed was obviously planted in me by the way it felt for me to be with him. Had I not met him, Austin wouldn't even exist to me. It would be like Boise. Or Bowling Green. A place I've never seen so it may as well be fictional.

There is no Austin without him. I associate places with the people who live within them. Without him Texas equals Jerry. Just like Grand Rapids is Brain. And Saint Louis is Adam the Enigma. It's just the way my mind works. Like I may not remember your last name, but I'll always remember the face of your city.

Then beyond that, I got to thinking how would i even know? Had I not met him, who knows who I would have met. Or who I'd be now. Everyone who graces us leaves us that much different. How would I know how I'd be right this very second had I not laid eyes on him at just the right moment? In just the right place?

At what point and to what extent can I be expected to just suspend my disbelief? It's like asking me to just pretend that I'm not who I am. That I haven't been where I've been. Or known who I've known. It would be different, too, I suppose if my mind weren't constantly trying to fuse itself to his memory. If it weren't constantly wrapping and re-wrapping, trying to get a good hold. A good picture to paste somewhere real.

But regardless, I'm not who I was a year ago. I'm not who I was before I met him. How could I possibly go back and try to decide what I would have done in some parallel life? What I would be doing now had I not taken the path that led me right here? I just, I can't. It's like trying to wrap your mind around the person you would be had your parents named you something completely different. Or had you grown up Asian instead of American. I can't pretend I'm not who I've become. It's too deeply embedded. It's impossible. And right this very second, I'm guess I'm pretty ok with that.

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all written material � jordorange 2003-2004

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