2003-04-03 - 2:31 a.m.

"'this may be the last thing that i write for long'"

I'm heading out tomorrow. A six hour drive to pry the nails from the seams holding my skull together. A six hour drive to get it all out of my head, all by getting lost in there. And pushing my way back out. It'll be a good test.

I'm going to Denver. And this is the first trip I've taken out of Big Al since I got back from Christmas vacation. It's long overdue. And admittedly a part of me is kind of terrified, because I think I know that once I get gone I won't want to come back. Even if it's just for a month or two. Part of me knows that I should have left long ago, but stayed because I never wanted to go crawling back to Nebraska all step-soft and ego-bruised. That seemed like my only option at the time. Now, though, there's Denver.

I'm visiting my sister.

And I'm going to go to emo shows and be obnoxious. I'm going to try to be 'captivating' at the open casting call for 'Starting Over.' I'm going to not miss Brandon. I'm going to go ten days without talking to Penny. And I'm not going to think about the JD thing. I'm going to scope out apartments and look for 'now hiring' signs. I'm going to eat German food and not get nostalgic.

I'm not going to worry about him. I'm not. I'm going to live in the moment For once. I'm going to be new.

�

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