2003-03-29 - 5:09 p.m.
'who knew you could that?'
Halfway through it she said, 'It feels like we're breaking up.' And it felt that way to me too. So maybe we were. And who knew you could do that? Who knew it could be so easy?
Sometimes we just have to cut our losses. And know that what is, just is. And when it ends, it just ends. Penny's my best friend because when my mom died and I called her, she called me right back and said, 'If you need me I'll come.' And I knew that she meant it. She's my best friend because when I needed an out, she said, 'Come here. Start over.' She's my best friend because of the way it used to feel to be around her. It was like stepping into Oz. Everything was alive. And free. And young. And so was I.
And that's what a real friend does. She turns the gray into blue. She turns white into orange. And black into purple.
It's hard to remember all that now. The way that felt. Because lately it's all blackness. And the wrong words. And misteps. It's all dull knives in my heart. Because she's right, she can't help me unless I help myself. Little does she understand that I don't want her to. I don't want her to fix me, I just want her to be my friend. Accept me. Broken parts and all. Because that's what friends do.
It's a mess.
It's all run it's course, though. And I'm afraid that if we don't step back from each other, we'll end up hating each other. The way I've eventually ended up hating everyone who made me promises and then turned away. The way I ended up hating all my best friends in the end. I'm a hateful person.
Today feels oddly hopeful, though. Like the beginning born from an end. Like it's the kind of day to clean house and make lists. And write letters. And it's time to start packing. Spring cleaning. It's just that time.
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