I Wanna Be Joan Cusack

2003-03-23 - 3:06 a.m.

'jeep drivers are assholes'

Went out again tonight and as we drove up to the bar, there was a white jeep pulling up. And inside was this boy, who could have been any boy. But who looked like the boy. The evil boy. And I had the strongest, scariest fight-or-flight adrenaline rush. And it made my legs ache. And my heart beat fast. But more importantly, it made me know that my decision to leave here is the right one. Because I live here in this constant paranoid fear. Fear of running into him. Fear of just seeing him. Of what he might say to me. Or do if he had the slightest opportunity.

And he's everywhere. He has the potential to be everywhere. Anywhere I may go. And that's just terrifying. And way too real for me.

On another note, the prospect of moving and starting over again is oddly thrilling. I just wish the circumstance was different. I can't shake this nagging feeling that I'm running away. And that just seems like the wrong reason to do something. Especially start over again. A new life. But then I think, who could blame me really?

A new life.

Life's a constant struggle and an unending paradox. I just wish I had the courage to really go after the things I want. I wish all the knowledge I've been forced to have over the past three years was enough to shove me into happiness. Like lessons learned are supposed to do.

I should really decide that life is too short and there's way too much pain to not grab those tiny beads of happiness. Those opportunities. I spend so much time trying to protect myself from some perceived pain that I cause myself so much more. because I deny myself the chance at a real happiness. out there.

And somehow I know that all this inaction is causing more damage than taking a risk and having it turn out bad would cause. Like the possibility of that heartbreak is so overwhelming that the idea of it keeps me living with the constant, dull ache of not knowing. And I hate that I'm paralyzed by it. And I know that one day I'll look back and regret all this inaction.

One day I'll look back and say 'Damn, I should have taken that chance.' One day I'll look back and know that Brandon was it or at least he could have been. But I never got to know. I'll never know. And that fucking kills me.

�

previous - profile - me - rings - links - gbook - notes - next
all written material � jordorange 2003-2004