2003-03-18 - 11:59 p.m.
"'you can only catch it from a computer'"
A decision's been made on the Brandon front. I'm not going to Texas. I'm most likely not even going to pick up the phone. I'm a coward. And the empty place just keeps getting bigger. And it's killing me. I swear it is. But there's nothing I can do about it right now. Not a thing. Well, not a logical-slash-rational thing. So, I'm heading to Denver tomorrow to visit Stacia. And see the Fifth Utility. Which should be fun, despite the probable drama.
Then it's on to Nebraska. I haven't been back there since Christmas time. And I'm kind of freaked out by the idea of going. But, it'll be nice to sleep in my own bed. And the truth is that it might be nice for me to be somewhere that I know my mom was. Because with what's been going on in my life, I really need her. I miss her. She'd tell me that I'm going to be ok. And that everything was going to be fine. And it'd be real, because she'd actually believe it. My mom believed it. But, she took it with her.
Meanwhile, I'm mad at Penny.
Because Penny has never been alone. Ever. There's never been a time when she hasn't had a boyfriend. She's never gone stag to anything. She's never wanted someone she couldn't have. I've never been unalone. There's never been a time where I've had a boyfriend. I've gone to everything stag except my senior prom. I've never wanted anyone that I've been able to have. Take. Whatever.
We are different.
So, it's really hard to talk to her about how good I am at being alone. And how terrifying that is. How it's the one thing that I'm probably doomed to have for the rest of my life and it's the one thing that I wish I could detach from. She has no concept. She said to me once, 'That was my fear when you met Brandon. That you were going to put all your hope on this one person. And then when it didn't work out...' God that hurt me. Because she says that and I hear that she knew it wouldn't work. She says that and I hear that the one person who I really trust to have faith in me, Doesn't. Not really. She knew it would end. She knew it would end like this. She knew. She predicted. And she shouldn't have. And she shouldn't have told me that she had.
She told me that if I needed to go to Austin, though, she'd go with me. She'd be a good friend. She ran off to Santa Fe and left me a message that she didn't want to go with me to Texas. She's kind of a bad best friend. I mean, I knew she was going to bail on me, I just wish she would have done it in a different way.
I just feel like my entire life is about everyone else. I feel like I barley exist. I'm invisible. And all I do is give. Things that happen to me, don't happen to me. They don't matter except in this abstract way and in the ways that they may effect someone else. Take for instance this thing that happened with JD. It happened to me. And Penny made it all about her. Like fuck him for ruining her paradise. What the fuck, man. And I don't ask for much. I really really don't. All I needed was for her to be a decent human being and think about me for once. Think about the fact that I may need this. And go with me. But she doesn't understand. She doesn�t know what it is to have to fight to keep someone in your life.
Then it's like all JeffVanPatten talks about his himself and his relationship. And I listen and offer reassurance. And who reassures me? No one, because nothing is about me. I'm fucking furniture. And all I really need is some fucking consideration. But, no.
I'm so moving.
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