2003-03-17 - 5:13 p.m.
'"it's being content with who you are"'
Hmmmmmm. Decisions decisions. Play it safe or take a risk? Play it safe or get what i want? Play it safe or see brandon? Play it safe or get my heart broken? Play it safe or rush bad reality?
Decisions.
Let's think about this. Ok. Worst case scenarios - I get in my Hansel and drive to Austin only to find out that he doesn't live there anymore. That he doesn't want to see me. That he's forgotten all about me. That he's hostile. That he's a prick. That he's got a girlfriend. That he's too busy working. That it was all lies. That I meant nothing. That I mean nothing. That he's so over me. That he was never under me. That he hates me. That he judges me. That he's not who I think he is. That he just doesn't even like me. That he's disappointed in me somehow. That he never wanted to see me again. That he wishes he'd never met me. That he's not alive. That he lives despite me.
Now, let's think about best case scenarios. Ok here goes. I get in my Hansel and I drive to Austin to find him and he's still there and he wants to see me. He remembers all about me and thinks about me when I'm not around. And he sees me and I see the light I always knew was shining so brightly behind his eyes and behind his teeth. He sees me and smiles. And he comes to me and hugs me in this embrace so tight there's no question that it's real. So real. Arms so tightly around me that I'm actually safe. And he inhales so deeply, his eyes closed, taking me in. All of me in this one breath. He exhales, all agonizingly, like he's letting me go. But he doesn't. He won't. Instead he buries his face in my neck and whispers softly, 'I've missed you.'
Granted that's a longshot.
Truth is, both the worst case and best case scenarios are longshots. It'll probably be an entirely unspectacular combination of the two. Though, I admit that if any part of the best happens, it'll be spectacular. most things are where he's concerned.
I just miss him. I know I say that a lot. And for the most part it makes little sense. Because I haven't heard from him in far too long. I know I should be forcing myself to get over him. To be over him. The problem is that I just can't. It's too hard. Because so many things have been taken from me against my will - it seems wrong to let him go willingly without a fight. I can't be responsible for letting go of the only good thing I've ever had or felt. I just can't. I won't.
And I hold on because I don't want him to be the one that got away. Though, it's sadly looking like he already is. Because it's been months and months. Too many months since I heard from him. I just don�t want him to be gone, though. Not forever. Because I already have so many regrets with so many different people and so many different circumstances. I don't want Brandon to be one of those things. I don't want him to be lost to me. Gone to me forever.
So maybe I should just go. Or let go. I don't know.
Either way I fear I'm left aching. And I'm so alone. And I feel like the world is against me, because people fall in love all the time. Everyday. Every second someone meets someone. Someone finds someone. And I just wonder why not me. Why give me Brandon and then take him away? Why let me see then stab me in the eyes? Why are the good things so slippery that I just can't seem to hold on? What do I have to do to deserve them? Because I will. I'd do anything for him. To hold on. To keep the happiness I tasted there. Just tell me. Tell me what I've got to do. Who I've got to be. And I'll do it. I'll become her.
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