I Wanna Be Joan Cusack

2003-03-16 - 12:09 a.m.

'"we're spanning time"'

It's been awhile. And it seems like a lot more has gone on than really has. Penny and I made out again. I've been sick. Sick. Sick. I missed my one and only midterm. And my family came in the middle of it all. I'm convinced they were trying to kill me. Kill me dead with their hostile takeover complete with air mattresses, Jack, something called Echanichia and a huge can of Aquanet.

But that's a different story altogether.

I missed Nada Surf in Austin. And now I hear that they're back to Europe next weekend. I live in Europe and they're all over America. Now I live in America and they just can't get enough of Europe. Bet they'll even hit Rock am Ring this year. Life's pretty cruel that way.

But what can you do?

Meanwhile, I feel like I'm coming to a strange crossroads where Brandon is concerned. On account of the fact that I have got to get something figured out. Something. Because I know what I'm doing. I know why I'm holding on. I just don't know what's going to come of it.

I hold on because it's too good to let go. Because he is the most amazing person I know. And because after the horrible thing that happened with JD, it's really important for me to have something good to look back on (and maybe look forward to).

Brandon was good to me. And I need to remember that someone out there is capable of that. That I'm not this broken thing to be swept under a rug somewhere. I need to feel that there's at least one person out there who isn't out to hurt me. Or abuse me. That it's ok for me to put a little trust and faith in someone. I choose him. And as wrong as that may be, it has the potential to be right, too. It's all just untold.

I'm feeling like it's time to take a little risk. I feel like road-tripping. Because Darren said something to me the other day that struck me. We were talking about it and he said, 'There has got to be something else.' Because it's been months and months. And yet, it's still so vivid. And pure. And overpowering. In a good way. The very best way.

Because I remember everything from the curve of his mouth into that most perfect smile to the little half-moons of his cuticles. I remember the way he sounded when he slept or when he was over the stove. I remember the way his fingertips felt sweeping the hair from in my eyes to behind my ear. I remember the way his laugh sounded.

I remember him. It all. And I remember the person I was capable of being when I was with him. And that's really all I need to keep this thing alive. And maybe there is more. Something else. Maybe it's love. And maybe it's time I found out for sure.

�

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