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2003-02-28 - 1:05 a.m.

'"this sentence has seen too much/forgotten too little"'

Last night I dreamed I was packing. Throwing everything I own into boxes and coating them with masking tape. Probably means I'm more than ready to make my escape. My mad dash to something beyond here. Because the way I see it, I've only got two choices left.

The first is pack everything up in neat little organized boxes and move. Get in my car and drive and never look back. The other is to just set everything I own on fire. Watch it all disappear. Hope maybe I'll disappear with it.

Penny said to me today that she hates the guy because he's destroyed her paradise. And that probably sums it all up. It's paradise lost. My innocence stripped away.

And I hate him for those reasons and a thousand beyond that. Because he robbed me. Hurt me. Bruised me. Lied to me. He violated me. He's made me doubt. He's ruined me. Probably permanently.

And now he's in me. And I'll never be who I could have been had I not known him. I'll never again have that chance.

I'm changed.

And not for the better. So I probably hate him for that, too. Hate. I Hate him for that. Now I'm so untrusting. And terrified of my own body. Of myself. I'm afraid to be the kind of girl I was becoming before all this. I was coming into my own. Owning myself. And now...how do you learn to accept a body that has accepted such violence? How do you love the version of yourself that invited this person to come in and scar you forever? It's a constant battle. A learning curve. And it's fucked besides.

I'm trying though. And that's all that seems to matter right now. At least to me.

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all written material � jordorange 2003-2004

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