2003-02-14 - 2:09 p.m.
'i never pick up lucky pennies anymore'
I'm a shell of that acceptance. A hallow facsimile. I'm the tin-man girl. All empty inside. All hard outside. Thump me. I'll echo, but I won't feel. Because I'm the brave girl. The strong girl. The girl
who takes care of herself.
I'm the never-never girl, with holes in my head and crooked toothy smiles. I'm the girl who pretends. And fuck if I'm not good at it. Because the bad days keep coming. And I keep gasping. Flailing. But surviving nonetheless. I'm the indestructible girl.
I am so much armor that flesh is unreal. Softness doesn't exist. If you cut me I doubt I'd bleed. And if you loved me I doubt I'd beat. My heart's so still. And I barely breath. If you loved me I'd doubt. Because I'm the emotionless girl. The girl who went hiding and no one bothered to come seek. I'm lost in old Oak trees. And all the youthful giggling stopped the day I realized this isn't a game. And I'm so far gone.
I'm the invisible girl looking for the magic. Looking for the golden words that'll transform me and make me real again. I can walk through doors. I can see through walls. Into boxes and human hearts. I've seen it all. I've seen right through you. But nothing changes the fact that I'm still her. The broken girl all out of superglue. I'm all in pieces and can't seem to carry them all. They keep slipping. Keep dropping to the ground. I'm losing myself. Piece by piece. Part by part. And I'm glad for it. So glad that I don't even bother looking under the couch cushions or the trunk of my car. Those lost pieces are better off lost. Maybe the fractions are healthier apart from the whole. Maybe I'm just too tainted.
Because I used to be the young and optimistic girl. I used to be a happy girl. I used to be me. Now, though, I don't recognize this girl. This sad girl. This lonely girl. The girl so tired of running, she'd so much rather stop breathing. This motherless girl. This exaggerated girl. This girl that people look at but never see. And who can blame them. I barely see her. I barely ever see me.
�
previous - profile - me - rings - links - gbook -
notes - next
all written material � jordorange 2003-2004
