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2003-02-10 - 7:59 p.m.

'ich verschwinde (i disappear)'

I remember being a freshman in high school and sitting around with my best friend composing lists. Lists of criteria for the one. Lists of people who could be the one. Lists of physical traits. Lists of psychological traits. Lists of my highest standards. List after list after list. And they were long and detailed, because I was young and optimistic.

My lists have been scaled down over the years. Probably because I've seen a reality beyond optimism. I know about life now. And I know that everyone's a liar. And the best you can hope for is a moment of clarity, a moment of quiet or truth with someone.

Ich vermisse Brandon. Ich hatte das mit ihm. Er war fast perfekt. Aber vollkommenheit ist imperfekt, weil es endet. Woah. Tangent.

Where was I? Yes. A moment of quiet or of truth with someone. And nowadays I'm so easily pleased and I'm only really looking for a few things. I want someone who will be nice to me. Someone who will watch terrible movies from my couch. Someone who will go to shows with me. And someone to make out with. You know, bonus points if he makes me mixed tapes or takes me bowling. A small list, but an impossible one nonetheless, right.

Und dann ich JD treffe...

It's this thing beyond description, because I'm trying to keep it all at bay. I like him enough that I really just want to do this right. Because things with Brandon were so sudden and shocking, in the best possible way, that I just gave. I would have given him anything in the face of an accelerated moment. No. That's not what I need now. It's not what I'm looking for. I need someone who will sneak up on me. I need someone who will come in quietly and just posses me. Rob me. But sweetly.

The only problem is in that he seems as shy as I am. There's been no kiss. And today my horoscope says: 'When you focus on the moment, your expectations are suddenly manageable. Now you're both smiling again. You move into the kiss that's been waiting to happen. Keep things simple between you, and it will always be this easy. Tonight, expect a sweet surprise from the Valentine of your choice.'

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