I Wanna Be Joan Cusack

2003-01-30 - 11:58 p.m.

'it hurts too much to watch you walk away'

Someone once told me never to apologize for the things that I like. And I wonder, sometimes, if he'd still feel the same way if he knew that he was one of those things. If he knew the very extent to which I really did like him. And still do.

And the reasons are ridiculous. And simple. And all wrapped up in the barest of bones. They're all twined around the way that he is himself. And that's everything. And so much more than enough.

I wish I didn't have to do so much hiding. And back-peddling. And re-thinking, trying to figure out what went wrong. How I'm wrong. Most times I feel like the line I walk just keeps getting sketchier. And thinner. And maybe it'll give in the next few steps. Maybe it'll give with this one. And I kind of wish it just would already, so I could release the breath I've been holding while I wait. It would be so nice to breathe easy, even if it's during the fall.

We always sort of fear the things we want the most, I guess. For me, what I want most, is him. I want the answers long-denied me. I want to know. Should I stay or should I...but I can't let go.

I want the power. I want the strength to say to him, 'Hi. This is how I feel.' And I want reciprocity. I want him to say, 'Hey, me, too.' And if not, I at least need to hear that. I need to hear him say, 'It's been real, but it's not enough.' Or, 'It's too much.' I just want to hear his voice. The words. Any words that may set me free.

�

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