2003-01-28 - 1:12 a.m.
'my ode to nyquil'
Basically, the voice said, 'Change.'
And I got to thinking about that. About how many times a day some random voice points out my flaws. How many times a day I'm told that I'm not anywhere near good enough. How many times a day I'm nudged, ever so slightly, by someone or something I don't even know to change who I am. So, I turned off the radio. I sang some random song in my head, and I thought, 'This. This is what it's all about.'
Someone once told me that if I lost ten pounds, then the boys would come a-runnin. And all I could think was, 'If it's boys like you I'm happier with my ten pounds.' This is the same boy that told me we both knew I'd never be a supermodel, so I may as well get it where I could. 'It' being some jagged shard of physical affection placed suddenly on the table, right before my eyes. An offering. And I so much would rather have picked up that shard and stabbed him with it in the neck.
People are always pushing. Pushing me away. Pushing me down. There's always someone willing to push me that way. But never the way I need to go. Never the right way. And I'm tired of it. Tired of the flashing billboards screaming, 'Turn back. Turn away. You can't. You just can't.' Because who's to say, really? Them or me?
And I admit that most days I'm lonely. But, I think I'm finally at a place where I just can't sacrifice myself anymore. Can't sacrifice anything for something small and artificial. Because I really haven't got all that much left to give. I'm tapped dry. I'm sucked dry. So I'm alone. And maybe I like it this way. And maybe that's just as scary. Who knows. But it's real. More real than anything else right now...
Randomly:
Brain? Where are you, Brain? And have I told you lately that I miss you?
�
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