2003-01-24 - 12:43 p.m.

'"and i never tell you this distance seems terrible"'

I woke up this morning with this question swirling around restlessly in my head:

Did he pull away from me because he didn't feel anything for me or because he did?

I don't know why, but that seems important to me now. I guess because I can reluctantly accept the truth of right now and that is that things have come to a halt. But when I think about the way it felt to be with him then ...

Because we spent several days together. He invited me and I wanted to go there, which is something. And it was weird, because when I got there he seemed all the more beautiful. And we were up that night until the sun came up just talking. Then we got in his bed and looked at the ceiling, both afraid, I guess, to push. Then he threw his arm and leg over me, wrapped himself around me and said, 'Is this ok?' And it was. And that was startling for me to realize. Nothing had ever really been more ok, ever.

I mean, I don't let people into my life. Not now. The people in my life, were there long before. And the wall around me is high and thick and most people see it and don't even try. That wall came crashing down the second I saw him. And every second that I was with him was amazing. I was amazing. In a way that I thought was gone forever.

So, we spent four days ... talking and touching and watching tv and sleeping and laughing and just being. Four days. The night before the morning I left, we slept closer together than we had any other night. That morning, he hugged me. Kissed me. And I left.

So, the answer to my question seems to be wrapped up in the latter. Because, it seems impossible that I misread every single gesture, every word, every look, everything for four days. And I get that distance is hard. And I get that I'm an incredibly hard person to handle at this point in my life. So, I suppose anything's possible where I'm concerned.

Again, I guess I just miss him. More so now that the weather's getting nicer and it's making me itch to get outside all barefooted. The sunniness just reminds me of the breif happiness I tasted there.

But anyway...

I'll go out tonight. I'll have some drinks and idle conversation. And maybe, just maybe something will spark somewhere between me and someone. Because as good as I am at being alone, some days it would just be nice to sit with someone and watch terrible movies from my couch.

Meanwhile, my excite horoscope for today says:
"It doesn't matter how you look when you have the right feeling. Your sweetheart learned a long time ago that there's more to you than meets the eye. Mutually attracted partners laugh in the face of a world that tries to judge them."

Hhmmm.

�

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