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2003-01-22 - 6:36 p.m.

'"yep, there's your answer, fishbulb"'

It's such a strange paradox when you're trying to get over someone, because it means that you're constantly thinking about them by default. And I honestly haven't exactly decided that I should be getting over him. Or that I want to. It just seems like the right thing to do, though while I'm thinking about it, right this second, I can't say why.

The day after I met him, I ended up going to St. Louis where Adam read my cards. And he said (before it even began) that the cards said that this thing would end in sorrow. Sorrow. Not only would it end, it would end in sorrow. But is this the end? Is this what sorrow feels like?

Granted the last time we spoke it was a little weird. The time before I woke him up and felt like an asshole. But then I felt worse, because his voice was all thick and accented. And he sounded so warm and sleep-slow. It made me want to crawl into bed with him. Crawl into him. It made me want to pet him. I'm a terrible terrible person. Terrible.

Meanwhile, there's more melodrama ahead...

Because when I think about him, all I want is for him to take root somewhere inside me - in my pores or in my teeth. It doesn't much matter as long as I can close my mouth and taste him there. It doesn't matter as long as I can sit in silence and still hear the echo of his voice in my head. Nothing much matters. Nothing, as long as he's in my head - A possibility beyond all this madness. A possibility beyond right now.

And I'd love to tell him all this - That I was numb before him in a way he'll never understand, that I never slept better than when he was breathing on my back, that I was so troubled and he just soothed me. But I can't tell him that. I can't tell him anything. Not even in a letter. Because it sounds obsessive and I'm not. Truly. and It sounds like more than it is. When all that it is is a simple truth.

He's beautiful. Enough said. And uh, props for me and the whole putting him out of my mind thing...

Perhaps tomorrow.

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all written material � jordorange 2003-2004

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